This is a Parody It is Funny
by closeyourmouthkristenstewart
Summary: just what the title says. REALLY AWESOME, READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1: Cliff Diving

New Moon- Edge of cliff, page 357

It was not hard to convince myself that I didn't have time to search for another way-I wanted to jump from the top. I wanted the long fall that would feel like flying. I wanted to hear the voice in my head. It made me happy. It made me feel sane, even though I clearly wasn't because I heard the voice of my ex-boyfriend in my head, and I thought jumping off a cliff would be cool.

I knew this was the stupidest, most reckless and awesome thing I had done yet. This thought made me giggle like a crazy person. Or maybe it was the meth I snorted earlier…

And with that, I stepped closer to the edge. The wind blew hard, whipping the rain into my face.

"Bella," Edward pleaded.

Yay! The voice started! I let out a squeal of joy. _Yes?_

"Bella? Are you deaf?" the voice asked.

_No. You're in my head, though._

"Bella! Turn around!" the voice said. I obeyed the voice, turning around. "Finally! I have to tell you something," Edward? In the flesh? He's really here! It wasn't just the voice!

"Yes?" I replied, still astounded with his presence.

"I left my yoyo at your house, so I'm gonna go get it," he said, turned around, and walked away.

I felt my eyes tear up, as they had the first time, and I stared off in the direction that he went. Suddenly the wind picked up and the rain stabbed my face. I covered my face with my hands and stumbled a bit. "Oh, crap! That friggin' HURTS!"

Suddenly I was falling and screaming. Then, I realized that it was fun. "WOOOHOOOO!!!!!" I screamed to the ocean as I fell. I was falling back first.

_Yes!_ The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. I opened my eyes to find I wasn't in the water. Instead I was dangling over it. I looked up, and a jagged rock was sticking out of my belly. I had fallen onto a ledge with a pointy rock sticking up. _Crap._ I zoned out for a while, thinking about rabid pandas.

I looked up to see a person swimming through the water. They had curly red hair that was flying in the wind, literally. The hair took off, flying through the air and doing flips and stuff. Without the hair, I realized that it was Victoria. The hair landed back on her head.

"Hey, Victoria!" I yelled to her, waving. She just looked up at me and grimaced.

I saw a whale emerge from the depths of the ocean. _What a cute whale_! I thought to myself.

"Victoria! Look, a whale!" I yelled to her. She looked to the side and the whale opened its mouth and engulfed Victoria in its enormous mouth.

"I'll name you Fredrick!" I told the whale. "Come here, Fredrick!" I called to it. It jumped into the air and ate _me_ too.

Next thing I knew, I was in the whale. _Nice and spacious!_ I thought. I looked down to see that the rock was still impaling me.

"Crap," I sighed. I looked up to see Victoria on the other side of the whale. I smiled at her and looked back down at my stomach.

"I should probably take this thing out..." I trailed off, pulling at it with all the power I had left.

With a disgusting swoosh, it slid out, rocketing into Victoria's head. Luckily, it just hit her head and it bounced off. She gave my tummy a weird look, her jaw dropping to the floor. I furrowed my brows, wondering what shocked her. I glanced sown at my stomach, only to see a five inch wide hole going through me. I saw all of my insides poking at it, letting out a giggle or two every now and then. Then I noticed I was missing a kidney.

"Hmm, that's weird, I should have two of those." Victoria looked around the inside of the whale searching for my missing kidney.

"Ah, here it is," she said, picking it up and tossing it to me. I caught it and placed next to the other kidney. Victoria continued to gaze at the giant hole in my stomach, her eyes widening at one point and letting out a shrill scream.

Apparently, a small turtle had climbed through my awesome hole and lunged for poor old Vicky. It bit her nose and hung on to it, even though she was spinning, screaming, and jumping like a madwoman. She reminded me of myself on my period.

I watched eagerly as the turtle slowly ate Victoria, still maintaining his tiny figure. He somehow looked familiar to me, and then it hit me.

"Mr. Willynilly, it's you!" I shouted, picking up my old pet and kissing his forehead. "You know better than to eat other people, especially if they'd already been eaten once."

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	2. Chapter 2: Birthday Party!

New Moon- Bella's Birthday party, page 28

I took the package from Alice, another birthday present. I stuck my finger under the wrapping paper and jerked it to remove the tape.

"Shoot," I muttered when the paper sliced my finger. I pulled it out to examine the damage. A single drop of blood oozed from my tiny cut.

It all happened so fast then.

Esme gave me a death glare as the drop dripped down and fell onto the carpet, staining it. She crouched and lunged, tackling me and pinning me to the ground.

"You idiot!" she yelled to me. "I just got new carpet installed!" You don't just run around to other people's houses getting paper cuts and staining their carpet, do you? It's just plain rude!" she screamed, pointing her finger in my face.

Jasper ran out of the room screaming like a little girl at Esme's wrath. Edward attempted to look nonchalant, whistling a mindless tune and scooting away from the scene. Rosalie looked bored, examining her nails and walking into the kitchen. Emmett was too busy staring at the TV, programmed on ESPN, to even notice what was going on. Alice noticed she had a loose thread on her scarf and screamed, running into her room to sew it back up.

"Oh, poor baby! I hope you're okay!" I heard Alice coo to her scarf while in her room.

Carlisle attempted to pull Esme off me, but Esme would not be moved.

"Esme, you are overreacting, so chill! We're so filthy rich we can just get another carpet installed! Come on, let Bella get up so we can go take our hourly money bath," He told her.

"Oh, okay, sorry about that Bella!" she said and skipped off to her room. Carlisle followed, and I was alone with Emmett, who was still drawn to the TV. But now, it was a tampon advertisement he was staring at.

I sighed and went to find Edward.


	3. Chapter 3: OOHH YEEAAHH!

Bella POV

Another sleepless night. Like the many I had before, I was thinking of Edward. Why did he leave me? Was I not good enough? Oh wait…. I forgot that he's a sparkly vampire that can dazzle any stupid chick he wants. Fag.

It was then that I heard my name. Was the voice mad at me for calling it a fag? Well too bad. _FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG!!!_ I thought, trying to annoy the voice.

"Bella, you really ARE deaf aren't you? I'M RIGHT HERE!!!!" this voice was really loud and annoying. I opened my eyes and let out a sigh, but just then a flash of yellow and white flew towards me. It landed on the bed next to me, but still I screamed and flailed my limbs.

"Late reaction much?" the voice said. I now noticed that Edward was sitting on the bed next to me, dressed in a bright yellow jumpsuit with a flap buttoned around his crotch.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH POTATO SALAD!!!!!!" I screamed, just for dramatic effect.

"Okay, then," Edward said, rolling his eyes. "Hey, can I borrow one of your thongs? My wife doesn't have any with her and we're on our honeymoon and kinda had plans for tonight…."

I then stared at him with my eyes wide open. "You already have a _wife?"_ I asked.

"Yeah… You know how I told you that Tanya is totally freaking HOT?" he asked rhetorically. "Well she died her hair and I was mesmerized. We married the next day and now it's honeymoon time!" he explained, raising his eyebrows and winking. Ew.

"NO!" I screamed and kicked him where it hurt. His eyes crossed and he bounced on his butt through the window. I picked up a flowerpot near the window and listened as it dropped the length of my house onto his stone-hard head.

I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes, but not before I armed myself with a cactus.

"Bella?" someone said. I opened my eyes and threw the pot at the window, where the voice was coming from. My arm somehow turned around and the cactus ended up lodged in my own cheek.

"AH! Crap! That HURT like freaking CRAZY!" I shouted as I squirmed uselessly on my lumpy mattress.

"Um, Bella? It's me, Jake," he said slowly as if I were retarded. Wait a minute…I am. I quit squirming and sat up.

"Oh, hi Jake. What's up?" I said cheerily, ignoring the cactus in my cheek.

"I have to tell you something important."

"What, do you need a thong, too?" I snapped. "Did you elope with some stupid ugly butt faced girl and never want to see me again?!" I started hyperventilating and constantly banging the side of my head against the ugly purple wall.

"What? Bella, no it has nothing to do with whatever you just said…" he said while giving me a strange look.

"Oh really?" I said, perky again.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you that…that…" he went into a coughing fit, his brown eyes bulging.

"Tell me what?"

"That… *cough* I'm…. *wheeze*…."

"You're a watermelon? I would've never guessed!"

"No, you idiot…*wheezes some more, looking like he's going into an epileptic fit, white foamy stuff coming out of his mouth, eventually passing out.*

"Awww, did wittle Jakey get tired? I cooed as I tossed his limp body out the window.

The next day…

I pulled my sorry excuse, piece of crap truck into my driveway, noticing a body laying by the side of my house. I slammed the old rusty door, ignoring the fact that it fell off as I made my way towards the body.

I then realized it was Jake.

"Oh, hi Jake!" said as I sat down on his head, letting out a huge fart. He gagged for a whole minute then sat up, pushing me off of him.

"Hey Bells!" What's up?"

"What did you want to tell me?"

"Oh, I'm a werewolf now." He said casually.

"That's cool! You sounded really choked up last night," I told him.

"I was choking! Did you not see the huge moth fly into my mouth?!"

"No….."

"It was about as big as your head, which is FRIGGIN HUGE!!!"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"OH YEAH!!" something screamed. We looked to the house next door to see that the Kool-aid man had burst through their wall. "OH YEAH!!!" he screamed again before the house, without that vital wall, collapsed on top of him. We heard the sound of glass breaking and a muffled "OH NOO!!!" A few minutes later, a watery red liquid peeked out of the side of the rubble, running downhill to us.

As it got close, I dipped my finger into the liquid and tasted it. "Mmm… strawberry!" I exclaimed, joyful. I looked over to Jake to see a Chihuahua bent over licking up the liquid instead. After staring a while, I found out it WAS Jake. He was so cute. I picked him up and hugged him, putting one of those doggy dresses on him.

He looked really aggravated and turned back into his normal self. To my satisfaction, he had stretched the dress and it now fit him snugly, just right.


	4. Chapter 4: Dance Off

**This is our tribute to Michael Jackson. Just a reminder, we don't own Twilight. Duh.**

Ballet Studio, Twilight page 448

James sighed. "Well, I suppose we should get on with it. And then I can call your friends and tell them where to find your pot stash and my little message."

I was definitely sick now. I knew I shouldn't have told him about my pot stash.

There was pain coming. I could see it in his eyes. It wouldn't be enough for him to win, to feed and go. There would be no quick end like I'd been counting on. My knees began to shake, and I was afraid I would fall.

He stepped back and began to circle, casually, as if he were observing me at an exhibit. He looked at me like I had a hippo head. It's not my fault I have a mustache.

Then he slumped into a crouch I knew well. He looked at me with an evil grin. Then, he straightened, spun around in a quick circle, a puff of purple smoke enveloping him.

When the smoke faded, he had changed. He was in a red shiny jacket with matching pants, which didn't even reach his ankles, and black loafers. He had a Michael Jackson afro-thing.

A catchy tune started in the background and a bunch of zombie-looking things fell from the sky. They all landed in uncomfortable positions on the ground, such as one of them was doing a face-stand. They all stood up and began twitching their necks in time with the beat.

I began to wonder if this was the effect of a bad acid trip.

They all began to dance awesomely. They clawed the air while lifting a leg, like the Thriller video. Youtube it. Then I realized it _was_ the Thriller video.

James let out a surprisingly high pitched squeak that sounded like someone kicked him. He sang the lyrics perfectly. It was scary.

Just then, my savior arrived. Edward burst through the door and kicked him up against a wall he stared at him with his signature creepy stalker glare, and stepped on his face. He then turned around to me and spun around in another cloud of purple smoke. He was also in the red outfit. Crap.

He kept dancing and singing and he sang even better than James. I then ran towards the door, trying to escape. I opened the door, and standing there was Michael Jackson, with Chuck Norris at his side.

"Get 'em Chuck!" Michael yelled. Instantaneously, Chuck kicked Eddy's butt. Michael took the place of Edward, finishing the song right.


End file.
